Slay the Wedding Game With This Outrageously Updated Do’s and Don’ts List

Tarot cards and crystal ball.

June. That gloriously time of year where all you couples require us singles to empty our checking accounts and fly back to cities we had hoped to have escaped. If we’re going down the rabbit hole of inevitable regrets, you can at least do us the courtesy of following this outrageously updated wedding advisory on what you should precisely aim to do.   

Don’t Wear White. Do Match the Color of Your Soul.  

Innocence? Yeah right. Instead of worrying about potential stains caused by your fifth Merlot, embrace the color of your soul. For many of you that means black. Though it’s not magic, its slimming qualities eliminates the need for dieting – a main contributor to bridezilla hysteria. Try jewel tones. They can communicate your newfound regality and dominant position to your irked and increasingly irrelevant mother-in-law. Watch out for reds though. As vibrant as they are, reds may also communicate that every guest should hold on to their significant other lest you wretch them away for a post nuptial ménage à trois.  

Don’t Get a Cover Band. Do Hire an Astrologer.  

No one wants to hear a mediocre rendition of Moby’s Porcelain. Especially when the real Moby will probably come to your wedding for free if you swear off putting meats in your mouth for a month. Put that money towards hiring an astrologer for the day. Guests will love you for helping them figure out just how much their Scorpio North Node will cement their promiscuity on Grindr and whether a packed Ninth House signals an impending Elizabeth Gilbert-esque quest for food, prayers, and a good romp in the sack.  

Don’t Be a Hermione Granger. Seriously. Pay Homage to Game of Thrones Instead.  

While J.K. Rowling continues to expand the wizarding world, this once charming theme is now inundated with boggling questions including whether Newt Scamander is hetero or bi-curious and if mythical creatures like Nifflers be used to help find lost gilded adult toys. Instead, purchase a ton of crap off of Amazon that are themed in the recently concluded Game of Thrones TV series. Come next year, this cultural moment will have gone stale. Seize what’s left of its momentum now. Though its literary source, A Song of Ice and Fire, won’t be completed for another hundred years or so, the TV series at least hobbled toward definitive answers. Shapeshifting Arya is indeed non-binary and Jon Snow resolutely committed incest. At the end of the day, all you queers should be able to get behind its most important point: we’re just a bunch of mad queens.  

Don’t Tie the Knot at A Pre-existing Church. Start Your Own and Make off Like a Bandit. 

Tax exemptions. That’s all.  

Don’t Be Exclusive. Do Invite Your Single Ex. 

What? Your ex is going to have a lot of laughing to do once your newborn turns your life upside down and your partner falls for the surrogate mama. This is your last chance to show that still single bastard exactly what they’re missing out on: a bubble butt and quite the bit of credit card debt from a gaudy reception decorated in gold and silver. Blech!  

Don’t Do a Drag Bachelorette Party. Have a Come to Jesus Moment at Group Therapy.  

Throw that crumpled dollar bill just at the right angle and you might find yourself getting dragged on stage for a beat down. As much as it will fill their vicious hearts with glee, drag queens would rather not mess up their acrylic nails escorting your drunk party out of the club. Instead, book an alcohol friendly ex-therapist whose license to practice has been revoked and let the Sangria flow as your group descends into madness over who secretly slept with who and who’s a closeted lezzie. Confession is good for the soul and your upcoming Roman Catholic ceremony.  

Don’t Allow a Boring Emcee to Slow the Vibe. Have Your Drunk Lesbian Friend Roast the Guests Instead. 

Lesbians sober can be pretty shy. Throw some tequila in and they’re the next Wanda Sykes. Listen to them slur their way through outstanding zingers and digs aimed at your unscrupulous guests who will be reminded of that time they matched with their not too distant cousin on Tinder or failed to appear in court after starting a riot in the drive-thru at Wendy’s. Comedy can be a unifying medium. Let your lesbian friend shine as she forces your conservative grandmother to flee from the ballroom. 

Don’t Host Your Wedding at a Beach. Do Educate Your Guests on the Danger of Crabs.  

Salt on your margarita? Perhaps. Sand? No. Forcing your gramophone guests to displace their footwear when their toes look positively torn up is just rude. As is having everyone’s hair blasted by the sea and caked faces melted in the beachside heat. 

Justin Ayars